God's Plan For Our Engagemnet

Hi there!

I started writing this post on July 25th, 2020, which was supposed to be mine and Noah’s wedding day. I thought I’d take this opportunity to talk a bit about our relationship and all that’s happened this year. It’s been a wild ride. Buckle in, because this is going to be a long one, and I’ve been wanting to write it out for a while. Here we go!

Let’s start with our engagement—December 22nd, 2019. I spent my Christmas break with Noah’s family in Austin. He brought me to the Trail of Lights, an event held in Zilker Park around Christmas time. It was stunning, and we had fun looking at all the beautiful lights. At the end, we went to see a giant Christmas tree, where he asked some strangers to “take a photo of us.” Actually, when out of my earshot, he asked them to take a video as he knelt and proposed.

Needless to say, we were ecstatic, and once we were engaged we spent the rest of my break planning our wedding. We hunted for a venue and found our dream location tucked into some woods outside of Austin. It’s called the Wildflower Barn because it’s got these fields of wildflowers that Texas is known for.

Noah proposed with his mother’s ring, which was beautiful and precious. However, I have tiny fingers, and we needed to get the ring sized down by almost two sizes! It’s a special ring, and we didn’t want it to be destroyed. We found a high-quality jeweler who explained that because of the way the diamonds were set, sizing it down that much would cause the clasps to open and the diamonds to fall out. That’s when Noah decided to buy me a new ring. Now I joke that one day when I get fat, I can wear that one.

I went back to school at His Hill in January and was overcome with excitement for the semester. My friends and I ran to greet each other. Noah, who’d driven me, helped me move back into my dorm room. We’d brought the old ring to show my friends since we didn’t have the new one yet. 

The first few weeks were really good. I went to Austin a few times for wedding planning. But unbeknownst to me, my roommates were concerned about mine and Noah’s relationship, and they talked about it one weekend while I was gone. They decided to ask a staff member for advice on how to lovingly talk to me about their concerns.

One Sunday night, I was struggling with some of the very issues my friends were concerned about. Whenever I needed space to pray, I would sit on a stool in our closet. So that night I went into the closet and prayed and wrestled with God. I told Him that if He wanted me to end my relationship with Noah, He would need to tell me clearly, or else I knew I couldn’t and wouldn’t. That’s right—I was considering calling off our engagement.

At lunch the next day, a staff member—the one my friends had consulted with—pulled me aside and asked to talk with me in their office that afternoon. Anticipating the subject of the meeting, I was scared, but I talked with a friend or two, and that gave me peace. The staff member in question had deemed that it would be better for him to talk to me himself about the concerns rather than my roommates.

After the talk, I went straight to my dorm room. The moment I walked through the door, I burst into tears. God had made clear what I was to do. I waited for Noah to get home from work before I called to tell him that I was calling off the wedding. I was breaking up with him.

That night was exceptionally hard and emotional. My roommates were amazing. They brought me dinner so I didn’t have to go out and interact with people. They sat with me as I talked and cried. I didn’t go to class that night or the following morning. Friends came in and checked on me. Then I had a follow-up meeting with the staff member so they could see how I was doing.

Noah took that day off work and drove the hour and a half to see me that afternoon. We wanted to talk about some things face to face. We went for a walk down to the river. For the first twenty minutes, we just stood in silence and hugged. I didn’t know what to say. Slowly but surely, we talk about our relationship and our breakup. About an hour later, we walked back up because I had dinner. By the time we reached his car, we were laughing, joking, and reminiscing again. It felt good to be ending things that way.

So what issues were at the root of our breakup? I’d realized that Christ was not the center of either mine or Noah’s life, and consequently, He wasn’t at the center of our relationship either. I knew that our marriage wouldn’t be all that God had designed it to be without Him as our focus. I was torn and distraught because I truly believed that God had told me to marry this man, and now it was clear that I was to break up with him. I was confused.

When I lost Noah, I lost not only my fiance but also my best friend. Noah is one of my longest-standing companions, and we’ve been through weddings and funerals together. We’ve shared a lot, and I think he may know me better than any other person. I was also losing my future. I didn’t know what to do with my life without Noah. My whole life’s plan was to marry this man, move to Texas, and then figure out the rest with him.

But, despite the harrowing pain, sadness, and confusion, I knew that this was what God wanted us to do. There was no pretending that I’d understood Him wrong. He’d been abundantly clear, and for that, I’m so grateful. And through everything, Noah was nothing but understanding, patient, and respectful, which made me love him all the more.

One of the questions we’d asked when we met for that last time was, “What does the future look like for us? Is this the end?” At the time, I didn’t know. I just knew that for now we weren’t meant to be together. I felt guilty for not being able to give him an answer. We both agreed that we didn’t want this to be over, and we didn’t want anyone else. I decided to wait until I was done at His Hill, and then we could revisit things if we wanted to. This would allow him and me to focus on God and on getting our lives together for a few months.

I took down all of his things from my room because it hurt too much to look at them all the time. But I decided to keep wearing the promise ring he’d given me on our first anniversary. I moved it to another finger, but I wanted to keep it on as a constant reminder to pray for Noah and to put God first in my life. Noah’s mother came to visit me a week after the breakup to bring me some of my belongings and so we could chat. It was hard but so needed and refreshing. 

Over the next couple of months, a few amazing things happened. Firstly, I grew closer to my family. Before the breakup, I’d called my mum once every month or two. But for the first two or three weeks after the breakup, I called her every day, and now I call her every three or four days. It’s been wonderful.

I also grew closer to my roommates. They’d been afraid that by confronting me, they would put a wedge between us, but instead, their care and concern brought us together. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for a friend is the hardest thing. How loving would it be to allow someone you care for to continue living in sin when you know about it? I now had a lot more time, and I wasn’t preoccupied. I was more present at school, and I became closer to a lot more people. It was truly beautiful, and I’m oh so grateful.

My last few months, despite the tears, were my best months at His Hill. As well as the quality of friendships, I was able to focus so much more on my studies and to dive even deeper into God’s Word. I learned so much, and I fell deeper in love with my Heavenly Father. The breakup also forced me to figure out what I wanted to do with my life without marriage. Once I got over the scary part, it even became exciting to think about. That’s when I decided to pursue photography more. My mum suggested I go to Canada for spring break to see my sister whom I hadn’t seen for a year and a half. I was thrilled to see her again, to visit her home, and to show her mine in Cambridge!

This being a very long story, I’m going to divide it into two parts. But, don’t worry! I posted both parts at the same time. Click this link if you’d like to read the next installment. Thank you for following along on my journey. It means a lot to me!

Darcy-Rea