Wrestling With My Body

Hi there, 
This goes out to all those who have ever thought negatively about their body. I'm writing this to anyone who doesn't like the way they look. This is for those who criticize their bodies. I'm talking to those who are self-conscious about their looks. So, listen up. I've got a story to tell. This is my story.   

I want to start this off by saying that I only realized all this after it had all happened. I didn't recognize the thoughts and my actions at the time. But, looking back I can now see what was going on. It's kind of like life is a highway and I can only see the giant pothole in the rear-view mirrors. With that said, today I wanted to tell my story of the wrestling match between me and my own body. I'm not telling this story because it's a pleasant one. I'm not telling this story because I enjoy thinking about it. I'm not trying to make you smile. I'm telling it because it's a part of my story and I hope that others can be affected by it or learn from what I've learnt. 
  
I would say it all started when we moved across the globe from Australia to Canada. I was in grade 5 or 6 at the time. In Australia, I had my friends and my place in school. All the teachers knew and liked me. I was a good, well-behaved kid and everyone knew it. But when we moved to Canada I found myself being dumped into a French school. Here, I had no friends. I knew nobody and I couldn't communicate because I didn't know thye language yet. Because I am a people pleaser and an attention seeker, I desired to fit in and be accepted by my teachers and fellow students. I tried to fit in in many ways such as by changing the words I used, my attitude, my clothes and the way I did my hair. One of the ways I tried to do this was by looking like them. So, out went my pink skirts, tie-dye shirts and butterfly clips. In came the skinny jeans, Ugg boots and layers of trendy bracelets. I wore short shorts and got highlights in my hair. I wore makeup and high-heels.
Just a casual photo shoot with a friend one day in spring.
My self-worth was suddenly coming from the people around me, especially boys. I thought I had to look a certain way to be liked by anyone. I started taking sports and exercised seriously. I ate with a purpose. I watched my weight. Every garment I wore was worn for a reason and in a certain way. It took me SO long to get ready in the mornings. I had to do my makeup. I had to choose my socks. I had to straighten my hair. One of my biggest fears quickly became judgement. I was afraid of what people were thinking of me. Did they think I was too loud? Did they think I was messy? Did they like my hair that day? I became conscious of the way I was doing everything from eating, sitting and walking to smiling, writing and singing. I hated eating around people because I was afraid people would judge me. I thought maybe they were looking at what kind of food I was eating, how much I was eating or how I was eating it. So, I barely ever ate at school. My weight dropped and I wasn’t mad. I remember the day I weighed my self to see that I had gotten over 100 pounds. I wasn't mad but maybe just a little sad. I liked being light. Obviously, I was gaining weight because I was a growing child and not an overweight one. I struggled with my physical appearance for about five or six years. Then we moved here to Cambodia and a heart transformation began to take place inside me.

I can't remember what first set off the chain of event that followed but I think I was about sixteen when my thought process began to change. Firstly, I had to come to terms with the fact that God made me this way. He made me in His image and He me with a purpose. He made me beautifully, just the way He wants me. As I was looking for verses about beauty I came across this and I think it describes this thought perfectly.

Secondly, I had to learn that I can and should still dress with a purpose just a different one. I still chose my clothes for a reason. I wear the clothes I do and I take care of my body because I am a temple of God.
What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? -1 Corinthians 6:19
So, God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. -Genesis 1:27
I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. -Psalm 139:14
God has blessed me with a beautiful body that was made in his perfect image. Wouldn’t it be an offence to Him to not take care of it and dress it well? But at the same time, we were commanded to focus on our inner beauty not on our outward beauty because that is what God sees, what He judges and what He cares about most. Our inner beauty should be our main focus and our outward beauty must come in second but we should still cherish it because God gave it to us as a gift. Outer beauty will fade with time but our hearts will change our eternity. 
Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised. -Proverbs 31:30
Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. -1 Peter 3:3-4
For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things, which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal. -2 Corinthians 4:16-18
for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart. -1 Samuel 16:7b
I believe that as Christians we are called to be intentional in everything we do. We should do everything with a purpose and for a reason. We should do everything for the glory of God and not for ourselves or for others around us (1 Corinthians 10:31). Therefore, why should I not think about what I'm wearing or how I treat my body. Intention and the heart behind why you do something is key. Your motive for something could be way off even if you're doing a good deed. This is why I care for myself and chose what I wear with care still. But my heart must be in the right place. I must do it for God and not for those around me. I'm still recovering from my wrestling match with myself but I've come a long way. I still have some bumps and bruises that need healing. There are scars from the battle that will never go away and I'm okay with that. It's my story and those scars will help me to never forget it. I hope that if you are struggling with what I was or if you have in your past that this will help you and impact you. So, with that, I hope that you all have a fantastic day and remember that you're loved!
Darcy-Rea
Hello from the squad and I

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