Fear and a Unicycle
Hey there,
Today I wanted to tell you a story about a unicycle and what that unicycle did for me recently. This unicycle that I recently discovered in the storage room in the gym here at His Hill helped me address two of my character flaws. I was well aware of these character flaws and how debilitating there were. But this unicycle was a turning point for one of them in particular. Let me give a little background to my story before I begin.
As I child I was extremely outgoing and confident. I was unapologetically me. I was fearless and courageous. I loved to climb trees, build forts, run around and explore the great outdoors. And I did it all wearing my favorite pink sparkly skirt and a tie-dye t-shirt. If I wanted to do something, I did it. If my sister or friend could do something, so could I. I was bubbly, always smiling and very extroverted. I had many friends and loved my life!
But, when I was ten years old we moved to Canada. This changed so much for me! Due to the law in Quebec, my siblings and I had to go to school in French and we did not speak French at home. This was extremely hard for me. As a social butterfly, I felt hopeless, lost and at the same time kind of trapped at school where I could not communicate with people. When I did learn French, I was still an outsider. I was always the English girl at school. I was always different and all I wanted was to fit in. I just wanted to be accepted by my peers. I believe this is where my character flaws first emerged.
During this time I developed a crippling fear of failure. I was constantly afraid of making a fool of myself and being judged by the people around me. This meant that I did everything and everything to fit in. I went from pink, rainbows, sparkles, and frills to skinny jeans, graphic tees, and ugg boots. Anything that was in style or on-trend I wanted too. I had previously never cared about trends. I started wearing makeup at school and my language turned more foul. I now just wanted to fade into the background and be a part of the crowd. I didn't eat much at school because I was afraid people would judge how or what I was eating. I was conscious of my weight and wanted to stay small and skinny. But my fears went beyond the outward. My grades began to get lower. I was so afraid of failing that often I just wouldn't try. Now, I know this mentality is flawed and I am definitely still getting over it. But, my thought process was that if I didn't try it wasn't my effort, skills or intelligence that would fail. Therefore I just didn't try much at all. I was afraid of oral presentations at school or ordering my own food at restaurants because I was afraid of tripping over my words or saying something wrong.
This crippling fear of failing affected many areas of my life, as you could imagine. My biggest concern in life was to not embarrass myself and to get people to like me. People became my gods. I was deathly afraid of the world. And because I was always this bubbly, happy child I felt like I had to keep that up. Even though I didn't realize it at the time, I felt like I couldn't share my fears and struggles with people because that would go against the joyful nature I thought people expected of me. I really don't think anyone knew how much I struggled. I didn't realize just what I was doing to myself until I met a boy who is just like me before I developed my fear. Noah is so unapologetically him. He's up to try just about anything and embark on just about any adventure. Noah isn't afraid of making a fool of himself or hurting himself. This is something I truly admire about him! But, he constantly challenges me and my fears which used to really frustrate me. I really do believe that God is using him to chip away at the walls I built up. Noah will tell you very quickly that I am a very stubborn person, especially when my fears come into play. But, I will also tell you very quickly that he is even more stubborn than me! My fears have been my subconscious priority for far too long. I have done so many things this past couple of years that have been so far out of my comfort zone. They may seem like little things to you, but to me they were monumental; things as simple as posing for a photo with Noah taken by strangers or dancing two-step with him while people watched. So, often my excuse is "I don't want to" when in reality, it's more like "I'm afraid to".
Now, this is where the unicycle comes into the story... finally. During our workday last week I found a unicycle in the storage room of the gym. It was left here by a previous student. As soon as I saw it I had a thought I hadn't had in so long, "I want to learn how to ride that!" I haven't had the desire to learn something new in so long because usually, my fear was stronger. But for once I had the desire to learn how to do something new for now other reason than it looks like fun! Usually, if I learned something new it's because I had to. So, a few days later I went down to the gym again, watched a few videos, pulled out a bench and got the unicycle. I repeatedly tried to ride that thing for about an hour. I fell and I got up and walked back and tried again. You have absolutely no idea how freeing it felt! I don't really know why. I wasn't afraid but just excited. It felt so good. It may sound so strange to you and I can't even ride it yet! I go about two feet without holding onto something then fall. But I don't even care! I think God is really working on my fear and anxiety and that feels so freeing and peaceful. I don't think I realized how deep my fear went until I didn't have it anymore. I am definitely still working on getting over my fear but I am so hopeful for all that God is doing in me!
Another reason I think I was (and still am to an extent) so afraid of failing is because it means I am no longer in control. I get frustrated when I think or know I can do something and cannot. I feel like I don't have control. This is another thing I've been learning recently. I don't have control. I can't have control. And I don't even want control because what God has for me is infinitely better than what I have. God takes care of me way better than I can. When I put my fear of embarrassment before my desire to serve God I am putting myself and my comfort on the throne of my life. Life will be hard. It will be difficult. It may be embarrassing or uncomfortable. But ultimately, God is infinitely better than me! He is a better ruler, a better protector, and a better provider. He has more knowledge, more power, and more control. So, I really need to learn how to step down from the throne of my life and let God rule over it. I never saw my fear as an idol in my life until recently when we were studying in the books of Joshua and Judges. Our teacher explained to us how fear reflects upon how we are putting ourselves before God and His purpose and glory. When I have my feet off the ground and my arms are flailing to keep blanace I don't really have control yet. Maybe one day I will when I actually learn how to ride it. But right now gravity and more power than my unicycle-riding skills. That unicycle showed me in a very physical, visible and tangible way that I don't have to be afraid and I don't have to have control.
God has proven to me over and over again that He provided for all of my needs and so much more. He has showed me that when I ask He will provide. So, I just wanted to end this by asking you to pray for me and one of my needs. I am missing some of the money I need to be able to complete my second semester here at His Hill. I really want to stay here! I have been learning so much and growing so much. I love the people here too! But, to be able to stay I still need some of my finances. So, please just pray with me that God will provide as He never fails to do! Thank you SO much and until next time friends,
Darcy-Rea
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| My sister (AKA: my adventure buddy) and I as youngins. |
But, when I was ten years old we moved to Canada. This changed so much for me! Due to the law in Quebec, my siblings and I had to go to school in French and we did not speak French at home. This was extremely hard for me. As a social butterfly, I felt hopeless, lost and at the same time kind of trapped at school where I could not communicate with people. When I did learn French, I was still an outsider. I was always the English girl at school. I was always different and all I wanted was to fit in. I just wanted to be accepted by my peers. I believe this is where my character flaws first emerged.
During this time I developed a crippling fear of failure. I was constantly afraid of making a fool of myself and being judged by the people around me. This meant that I did everything and everything to fit in. I went from pink, rainbows, sparkles, and frills to skinny jeans, graphic tees, and ugg boots. Anything that was in style or on-trend I wanted too. I had previously never cared about trends. I started wearing makeup at school and my language turned more foul. I now just wanted to fade into the background and be a part of the crowd. I didn't eat much at school because I was afraid people would judge how or what I was eating. I was conscious of my weight and wanted to stay small and skinny. But my fears went beyond the outward. My grades began to get lower. I was so afraid of failing that often I just wouldn't try. Now, I know this mentality is flawed and I am definitely still getting over it. But, my thought process was that if I didn't try it wasn't my effort, skills or intelligence that would fail. Therefore I just didn't try much at all. I was afraid of oral presentations at school or ordering my own food at restaurants because I was afraid of tripping over my words or saying something wrong.
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| I was probably 13 or 14 in this photo! |
This crippling fear of failing affected many areas of my life, as you could imagine. My biggest concern in life was to not embarrass myself and to get people to like me. People became my gods. I was deathly afraid of the world. And because I was always this bubbly, happy child I felt like I had to keep that up. Even though I didn't realize it at the time, I felt like I couldn't share my fears and struggles with people because that would go against the joyful nature I thought people expected of me. I really don't think anyone knew how much I struggled. I didn't realize just what I was doing to myself until I met a boy who is just like me before I developed my fear. Noah is so unapologetically him. He's up to try just about anything and embark on just about any adventure. Noah isn't afraid of making a fool of himself or hurting himself. This is something I truly admire about him! But, he constantly challenges me and my fears which used to really frustrate me. I really do believe that God is using him to chip away at the walls I built up. Noah will tell you very quickly that I am a very stubborn person, especially when my fears come into play. But, I will also tell you very quickly that he is even more stubborn than me! My fears have been my subconscious priority for far too long. I have done so many things this past couple of years that have been so far out of my comfort zone. They may seem like little things to you, but to me they were monumental; things as simple as posing for a photo with Noah taken by strangers or dancing two-step with him while people watched. So, often my excuse is "I don't want to" when in reality, it's more like "I'm afraid to".
Now, this is where the unicycle comes into the story... finally. During our workday last week I found a unicycle in the storage room of the gym. It was left here by a previous student. As soon as I saw it I had a thought I hadn't had in so long, "I want to learn how to ride that!" I haven't had the desire to learn something new in so long because usually, my fear was stronger. But for once I had the desire to learn how to do something new for now other reason than it looks like fun! Usually, if I learned something new it's because I had to. So, a few days later I went down to the gym again, watched a few videos, pulled out a bench and got the unicycle. I repeatedly tried to ride that thing for about an hour. I fell and I got up and walked back and tried again. You have absolutely no idea how freeing it felt! I don't really know why. I wasn't afraid but just excited. It felt so good. It may sound so strange to you and I can't even ride it yet! I go about two feet without holding onto something then fall. But I don't even care! I think God is really working on my fear and anxiety and that feels so freeing and peaceful. I don't think I realized how deep my fear went until I didn't have it anymore. I am definitely still working on getting over my fear but I am so hopeful for all that God is doing in me!
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| Posing for this photo infront of strangers was terrifying at the time! |
Another reason I think I was (and still am to an extent) so afraid of failing is because it means I am no longer in control. I get frustrated when I think or know I can do something and cannot. I feel like I don't have control. This is another thing I've been learning recently. I don't have control. I can't have control. And I don't even want control because what God has for me is infinitely better than what I have. God takes care of me way better than I can. When I put my fear of embarrassment before my desire to serve God I am putting myself and my comfort on the throne of my life. Life will be hard. It will be difficult. It may be embarrassing or uncomfortable. But ultimately, God is infinitely better than me! He is a better ruler, a better protector, and a better provider. He has more knowledge, more power, and more control. So, I really need to learn how to step down from the throne of my life and let God rule over it. I never saw my fear as an idol in my life until recently when we were studying in the books of Joshua and Judges. Our teacher explained to us how fear reflects upon how we are putting ourselves before God and His purpose and glory. When I have my feet off the ground and my arms are flailing to keep blanace I don't really have control yet. Maybe one day I will when I actually learn how to ride it. But right now gravity and more power than my unicycle-riding skills. That unicycle showed me in a very physical, visible and tangible way that I don't have to be afraid and I don't have to have control.
God has proven to me over and over again that He provided for all of my needs and so much more. He has showed me that when I ask He will provide. So, I just wanted to end this by asking you to pray for me and one of my needs. I am missing some of the money I need to be able to complete my second semester here at His Hill. I really want to stay here! I have been learning so much and growing so much. I love the people here too! But, to be able to stay I still need some of my finances. So, please just pray with me that God will provide as He never fails to do! Thank you SO much and until next time friends,
Darcy-Rea
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| Thought I'd finish with these beautiful clouds! |
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